The Beginning

3rd February 2017

I always said this day would come, just never thought it really would. But on the 3rd of February 2017 it finally happened.

My day started off pretty early. I “woke up” at around 4am (I say woke up because I’m not really sure I actually slept that night) and I began to get myself organised for the long day ahead of me. And boy was it going to be a looooong day.

It was dark, windy and drizzly when I left the house at 6.45am t catch what I thought was an on the hour train (turns out it only left at 7.15am). I then had a few awkward minutes with my Dad as I found a seat and waited. I say awkward because deep down I knew how he really felt about my decision to leave and move to a different county (even if he never really expressed it), so it was kinda difficult for us both in a way. I still (and will probably always will) feel a little guilty about leaving. I know I shouldn’t feel too bad but I guess it’s just the way I am and how I feel.

After my Dad and I said our bye byes and I was sat down in my seat was when I started to feel a little emotional. I didn’t cry or anything (I almost did) but I just suddenly felt all alone for a moment. I’ll just blame it on the country music that I was listening to, and the fact that it was cold, dark and dreary. That always seems to affect ones mood.

As the train left I started to feel all kinds of weird. I was feeling both happy and sad. I was feeling alright up until the train started to fill up, that’s when the anxiety started to set in. I don’t know what it is about me, but I tend to freak out a little when my mode of transportation is packed to the brim. Good thing I already had a seat but still doesn’t stop me feeling anxious for no apparent reason (I guess I have anxiety/social anxiety/agoraphobia to thank for making me feel so). It was very early in the morning so it was bound to be full of commuters.

I sure was glad to be off the train after being on it for an hour. I had help with my suitcase (as it was gigantic and super heavy) from a kind gentleman who was sat in the same areas as I was.

So that was part one of my journey done and dusted, now I had about another 45 minutes to wait for the next part of my journey.

As I mentioned before, I don’t do so well in crowded places, and the train station usually is crowded at all times. I couldn’t even go get something to drink to keep me warm (because it was cold and I was freezing) so I just had to stand there and wait for my platform to show up on the screen so I could find out where to board my train. It was a long anxious wait because I didn’t know which platform I was meant to be at or which train I was meant to get. I thought it would have said the destination but it didn’t. As it got closer to the departure time, I found out all the information I needed so I could kinda relax.

Once I got on the train and found my seat, I could now sit back, relax and enjoy the next 9 hours and 50 minutes of my journey (yeah I know – almost 10 hours!  And that’s NOT including the hour I already travelled).

The train left at 9am. By 10:30am I was pretty much exhausted. After being up since 4 am and barely getting any sleep, I thought I’d be able to catch a few ZZZZ’s on the train, turns out nope. I was sitting on the aisle so there was even less chance of me trying to get a few minutes sleep, so I just decided I’d stay up for the whole duration of the trip.

I did manage a few minutes here and there but it’s always difficult to sleep on a moving vehicle when you have people who want you to hear their whole conversation, or when they bump you or stand on your feet “accidentally”.

Like I said, it really was a long trip. Not as long as travelling 14 hours by bus but still a very long day. I have never been more glad to get off a train as I did then (well except for the first time I travelled long distance and was sick).

And even though I was off the train, I could still feel the ground move which made me feel queasy in the car ride (to my new) home. Travel sickness has never been an issue for me before, but I guess it’s a consequence of zero sleep.

I guess that’s all I got to say about my day of travel. It was nice to be in a warm house and meet my mew roomies. I must give a HUGE shout out to them for being every so kind and gracious to let me stay with them. Before I had made serious plans to move out here I literally had no idea where I was going to end up. I honestly did feel and think I would be a drifter, floating from place to place not really knowing how I was going to get by. So they really have done me a solid (solid can be used to describe a favour done for someone) I guess I should also say a big thanks to my person because he vouched for me and he was very apprehensive about where I might end up (I told him I’d end up staying in a hostel or take up the life of a hobo and live in a tent somewhere – he was NOT HAPPY about any of that) so I guess it makes him (and me) feel a whole lot better that I’m safe and staying with people he knows.

4th February 2017

So last night after the meet and greet and dinner I pretty much went straight to bed. Not sure what time I woke up but I did feel like I had been sleeping for days.

My first official day in my new home was nice. We just chilled and watched tv. It was really nice to be in a quiet, calm environment.

All in all not a bad first day and night 🙂

5th February 2017

We went outside today, boy was it FREEZING! Took me a while to defrost I’ll tell you that, hahaha.

The dinner we had was very yummy. It was a pasta dish with garlic bread.

I am so glad I found someone to stay with who cooks decent food ^_^

So that was my weekend. Playtime over for me, as from tomorrow, I go back to job hunting. I really hate job hunting, it THE most tedious thing ever but it needs to be done. That’s the whole reason I moved out here – to get a job – and a place of my own and do all that adulting stuff that. I know things will be difficult but I must get it done. I don’t have the time to make “excuses” anymore.

So yeah, time to get busy so to speak.

6th February 2017

Monday.

The first day of job hunting for jobs I can actually apply for. And even though I have a wider choice of jobs to apply for, I still feel anxious and nervous about applying for stuff.

I guess I’ll find out what my odds are vs what my odds were in terms of applying and actually landing jobs. Now that I’m in said country where jobs are, things should be a whole lot easier.

Time will tell.

7th February 2017

The job hunt continues.

I haven’t found anything yet but I am determined to continue the search.

8th February 2017

My day started off alright until….I had a visit from my little friend anxiety.

ANXIETY REALLY IS THE B WORD! *Angry face*

I guess I was just having anxious and nervous feelings (again) about this whole move. Don’t get me wrong, I was ready and prepared of all the changes and everything. Well I was and I wasn’t, because I had no clue what was going to happen the next day and stuff and that made me super worried. But that’s life right? You gotta take it as it comes. You can’t prepare for everything.

It just feels as though everything has changed and I’m getting hit from all angles and I’m not quite sure how to handle things.

I guess this whole adjusting to a new life thing is going to take some time getting used to.

I will find a way to, I always do somehow.

9th February 2017

I had a sleepless night but as the day went on I began to feel a bit better.

10th February 2017

After being away for a week it doesn’t feel like I’ve actually left. My brain feels as though it’s on holiday mode and that I’m mentally preparing myself to go back home again soon.

But I’m not. Well at least I hope I won’t have to any time soon.

11th February 2017

So today officially marks my one week stay in England.

So much has changed and so much has happened since I left.

I’m not really sure how long this adjustment period is supposed to last.

I don’t feel strange in this place. Sure everything is new to me, but I don’t really feel different here. I mean in a way I kinda do because I’m new to the area and haven’t been here that long, but I guess things take time to get used to. One thing that hasn’t changed is people staring at me. I haven’t noticed it as much but I did have one woman stare me down as I was walking home from the shop which was pretty weird and awkward. But hey, I should be used to it by now right? After all it’s been happening to me literally my whole life (people staring at me and stuff I mean). Still doesn’t take away the feeling of being uncomfortable.

People really need to stop doing it. Or maybe I need to stop noticing it so much. No it’s the people who need to stop doing it.

But for what it’s worth, I have been feeling a lot calmer. Stressed and worried at times yes, but I do feel a little better about things. Sometimes all I want to do is sun and hide but I can’t (damn you anxiety, social anxiety and agoraphobia). But I can’t keep letting things control the way I feel. I am not about to get on that sinking ship and drown again.

This change was exactly what I needed and have needed for a very long time.

As much as I want things to get easier for me, I know that they won’t be so. But it’ll be alright, I’m as prepared as I can be for whatever comes my way.

This is it for me.

There’s no turning back.

12th February 2017

We went fishing today. Despite the weather which was anything but decent (welcome to the UK) we still went ahead with plans. Normally I would have objected to leaving the house (because I have issues) but I thought what the heck, I can’t keep saying no to everything.

It was a bit of a mission to try and find somewhere to set up. Wind and cold were not our friend that day.

We eventually did find a place to set up, didn’t catch anything though but the views was pretty nice to look at. Had the weather been better I would have been quite happy to stay out there all day.

Nature sure can be a beautiful thing at times.

13th February 2017

I spent a lot of the day just thinking about random stuff.

I (we) watched a movie called “Lion”. Boy did it hit me hard. If I had been watching it alone I probably would have cried a few times over.

14th February 2017

Ah Valentine’s Day. The day of love. Also the day people whine about nothing all day.

I don’t do Valentine’s Day. As much as I like all that romance and all that stuff at times, I’ve never really been into it. And when you’re in a relationship you kinda expect something of some sort.

My bf & I have never bothered with celebrating Valentine’s Day, but this year he did surprise me and get me something. Totally wasn’t expecting anything from him, I never got him anything, but then again, I did move here for him (and us) so I’m off the hook, hahaha.

15th February 2017

I’m starting to feel the pressure.

It’s been 2 weeks and still no sign of a job. So frustrating but I gotta keep on trying and not give up the search.

We tried fishing again today. The weather was much better, still chilly and a little windy but not as bad as the other day.

Still didn’t catch anything, but it was still a nice day out 🙂

16th February 2017

I had most of the day to myself, which was nice. Well the dog was with me but no other people were about.

I thought since it was quiet I’d try and get some writing done (well setting up this new blog and getting all the entries recorded) but nope, it wasn’t to be. My brain was on lazy mode and I just want feeling up to doing much.

17th February 2017

Today marks 2 weeks since I left home.

Holy wow!

My day started off alright, but then I started to feel like things were slowly turning into a disaster (they didn’t, just felt like they were).

I guess I was just feeling bummed out that all the things I thought would have happened by now..haven’t…and that just made me feel slightly defeated.

But I know the situation I’m in and I knew going into this that things weren’t going to be easy.

I’ll just have to keep my spirits up somehow and hope that things change soon for me. Lawd knows they really need to.

18th February 2017

Guess who barely slept last night? Yup, you guessed right.

My sleepless night left me feeling pretty meh so I thought I’d find something to watch to make me feel a little better. I ended up watching a documentary called “The Kindness Diaries. The whole documentary was feel-good for the most part but there were some hard hitting scenes too.

I’m struggling to say anything about this, so I’ll just post the trailer for it ad let it speak for itself.

19th February 2017

Le bf and I spent the day together. We didn’t do much but it’s always nice spending time with him.

It has been nice having him (my bf) around. I must admit that it feels weird being around him all the time. In a good way of course. We’ve been together 3 years and have spent most of it in a long distance relationship, and now that we’ve “bridged the gap” (because I moved to where he lives) it’s like that part of our relationship has ended and we’re about to start a whole new one. It’s been one heck of a road to get to where we are now. We’ve faced many trials and tribulations (and I know we still have a whole lot more things to go through and deal with) but if we can make it this far, I’m sure we can make it a little further 🙂

20th February 2017

I came across a message that someone had left for me one a previous post I had written a while ago and it almost brought me to tears. It wasn’t anything bad, just positive words of encouragement.

Sometimes that’s all you need to get you through the day.

21st February 2017

I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Sometimes when I think too much I end up in a place I don’t want to be in.

All this thinking about everything is exhausting. It really is.

22nd February 2017

I like to write. It’s one of the things I actually enjoy doing (when I don’t have that dang writers block).

I haven’t always been interested I writing as much as I am now. I kept a diary like most kids and young adults do, but I never thought about writing as a possible career.

The past few years I’ve been using writing as a way to cope and deal with thing. When my mind goes into overdrive, writing is the only way I know (other than listening to music) to calm down. I’m not very good at the stuff I do write, sometimes it’s just utter nonsense, but there are a few times where I do surprise myself. But like I said, I’m not very good at writing stuff.

Secretly I do have a desire to want to learn to write better but because of the person I am, I don’t think I would have the courage to actually go through with writing something and sending it to a publication. I write for me at the end of the day, I guess that’s why I don’t really take writing seriously at times. I don’t do well with criticism, especially if it’s personal stuff, but I don’t know. Maybe once day I’ll “feel the fear and do it anyway”.

Time will tell.

23rd February 2017

Today wasn’t so good.

I was feeling disappointed in myself (yet again) and feeling like a total failure.

I know I’m not but sometimes when you’re feeling down, nothing seems to matter and you just want to crawl under a rock and stay there for a while.

24th February 2017

It’s been 3 weeks since I left home and moved to England.

My situation hasn’t changed, which is a bit of a bummer but it’s whatever.

I’m not going to stop until I get what I came here for.

If you’re wondering what I mean by that, I just mean that I came here for a fresh start and a new beginning.

25th February 2017

Today marks 3 weeks being away from home.

Also, we also had pizza for dinner.

Yummmmmmmm! ^_^

26th February 2017

Another day, another great meal enjoyed.

I’ve never had green Thai curry before, but it was really yummy.

Have I mentioned before about how great it is to live with someone who cooks really well? Because it is.

Thanks for the lovely dinner 🙂

27th February 2017 

Spend the day with the doggie today. I watched tv and he napped.

I had a nice quiet day with nothing to complain about.

28th February 2017

It’s the end of February.

I made it!

I’ve survived a whole month (well a little over 3 weeks because I left o the 3rd) “on my own” and away from home.

*Pats self on back*

The past few weeks sure have flown by.

Quick review of the journey so far – I still can’t believe that I actually left. I still don’t know what the heck I’m doing at times but I’m still so glad that I made the decision to leave and wet through with it.

I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to the past few weeks. I’ll start off by giving a few thanks.

I have to thank my two new favourite people for letting me stay with them. Before final arrangements were made I honestly thought I was going to end up somewhere I shouldn’t (that’s what you get for leaving everything till the last minute) or be homeless. I was just so over everything and ready to leave and start over. There were times when I wasn’t thinking straight because I was so desperate to leave that I didn’t care where I ended up. But they came through for me. Good thing too because I hadn’t found a place and I was already fixing to leave like the next week. So you know, if it wasn’t for them (and my boyfriend, he vouched and came through for me too) who knows where I would be now. Thanks to all 3 of them I am safe, I am well and I am happy.

I honestly can’t thank them enough for their hospitality and everything they’ve done for me this past month. I’ll always be eternally grateful to them for their kind gesture towards me.

Quick shout out to my boyfriend. I’ve been a real pain in the ass the past few months and he’s been a real trooper dealing with my sorry self through everything I was going through. He really is the best. I truly am a very lucky girl to still have him in my life.

All in all my first time being away from home hasn’t been bad. I know that adjusting to this new life and everything about it is going to take some time, but I’m ready for it all.

As happy as I am for going through with things, I still kinda feel bad about the way I left things. I know in time I’ll feel better about that whole situation, but for now, I have to focus on the bigger picture.

“The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step” – Lao Tzu

A few years ago when I was struggling with a few things, I thought it would be a good idea to go on a journey of self-discovery. “The greatest challenge in life is discovering who you are. The second greatest is being happy with what you find”. It took me a while to be ok with things. I’m not quite there but I am getting closer to being at peace with things in my life.

I know things aren’t going to just magically work out for me, but like Bethany Hamilton said “I don’t need easy, I just need possible” and that’s all I’m looking for right now. Possibilities.

“Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them”.

I have no regrets about my decision to leave and start over. I’m doing it for me and for my own reasons.

“Whatever you decide to do, make sure it makes you happy” – Paulo Coelho.

P.s I realise that I’m posting stuff about February in March, I had issues trying to create the blog my apologies for being a weirdo and not posting appropriately.

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2 thoughts on “The Beginning

  1. damianfuller March 4, 2017 / 3:05 pm

    Hi, was thinking about your little dilemma regarding work the other day. Maybe regular jobs are just not for you? I have had a read of this blog and your other blog, and really, your writing is quite good. You have a strong command of the English language and clearly have a decent writing habit. So, it occurred to me the other day when I was posting a job on http://www.upwork.com that maybe you should have a look online for writing jobs? Some of them are fairly boring and meaningless – lots of content drafting for website pages etc and It will be difficult to begin with because you will be competing with people who have a reputation or experience, but since English is your first language it might be worth a shot. Besides http://www.upwork.com there is also freelance.com and a bunch of others.

    Being productive is one of the contributors to a positive outlook, whereas salary has been proven to not make that much of a difference. You never know, remote content and copy writing might be just your thing.

    Good luck.

    Liked by 1 person

    • emmelia2017 March 4, 2017 / 8:12 pm

      Hi there Damian

      I have come across that site before; well I had a look at it but didn’t really look into it. I’m still a bit wary about that site for some reason (because I’m a weirdo).

      And thank you for complimenting my writing; I’ve had a few people say that I write well. I always think that there’s room for improvement. I’m just a pretend writer but I do enjoy my little pieces from time to time and I have thought about a possible career in the writing industry.

      I’ll have another look at that site again. Can hurt to look and at least try right?

      Hope all is well on your end 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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