Oh Yes, I’m The Great Pretender

This is going to be the most random post ever. I haven’t had much of a chance to write anything. I never have the time and when I am off from work, I tend to want to do nothing but sit in my pjs or sleep.

Anyway, let me get to it before I start to feel lazy again.

So on the 3rd of February, it was a year since I moved to England. A whole year living away from home. Things haven’t quite gone to plan, but that’s what you get for being a dreamer eh, lol.

I’m not complaining. In the past year I’ve had 2 jobs (well I’m onto my second), I’ve had a roof over my head, food in my tummy and a bed to sleep on. There was a time when I thought I would be in different temporary accommodations throughout the year (or even be living in a tent somewhere in the park), but luckily I was able to not be in that situation.

But yeah, like I’ve mentioned before, it’s been a difficult year for me at times. I’ve felt down and out, like giving up and just going back home, but I knew I couldn’t. Giving up is easy and I didn’t want to do that. I still don’t. But at times I’m like what am I actually trying to do? I keep trying and it’s getting me nowhere.

The scary thing about me giving up is that I really will give up. On everything. Myself, my life, my relationship. Everything will just come to an end for me and I won’t want to get myself out of the dark place.

I know for a fact that would happen. I’m still trying every day to improve things for myself, so that’s good I guess.

Now to explain the title of this post.

I like to think of myself as a creative person. I’m not really though. I’m just a big thinker and a huge dreamer.  I love to dream. I also love books, buying books (and then never reading them), and of course I enjoy writing. Hence the awesome picture below.


I’m going to have a lot of free time on my hands, because my job, will no longer be mine. It’s going to happen real soon. Either I leave or they let me go. You see, I’m not very good at my job. I’m a bit of a slow poke, and in the word of house keeping, you can be anything but.

So why am I seriously considering leaving this job? Let me give you a brief run down. I got a job in a different area. An hour away by train and then a 15 minute walk to work. I start work at 8…8:30am. That means I have to wake up around 4 or 4.30 am to get ready and leave the house at 6 to get the train at 6.25am to be there on time. I’m normally done after 4, sometimes after 5 pm and then I have to get to the train station to head home. I usually have to wait anything from half an hour to an hour for the next train. It’s not much fun in the cold weather I’ll tell you that. Then once that’s done, I gotta wait for the bus home (again, anything from half an hour to an hour) and walk 10 minutes till I’m in the door. Wake up at 4, be in the door after 7…8pm. It doesn’t sound so bad right? The thing that gets me is how much I have to spend on transport. On average I’m looking at about £120.00 a week. Yes A WEEK! It’s ridiculous.

I don’t have that kind of money to spend on transport. I’m spending more on transport than I get paid. Not worth it in the long term. Speaking of pay, it’s great; I just don’t get to see any of it. Like literally. After expenses, you’re left with basically nothing.

So that’s part of the reason why I’m going to be unemployed for a little while. But it’s ok, because I am a pretend writer and I have all the things I need to get me started on being a famous, well known writer *laughs*. I don’t want to be famous, I just want to write. Or at least develop the skills to be somewhat good at it.

I don’t know what’s going to happen when I eventually get told, “thanks, but we no longer require your services”. On the one hand I’ll be relieved to not have to spend so much money but on the other, I’ll be unemployed, and that is not good. Hopefully it won’t be for too long.

I dunno. It seems that this year will be full of temporary things. Maybe this is my life. I’m just meant to be a drifter and try just about everything.

All the “free” time I’ll have will give me some time to breathe and re-evaluate things once again.

Back to work tomorrow. Yayyyyy NOT! Should be fun. Hopefully there will be new people starting so we don’t have such a heavy work load. It’s been way too much lately. No wonder I’m always dead by 3pm.

Anywhoo, can’t wait for my next day off. C’monnnn Monday!

Take care till then 🙂


2 thoughts on “Oh Yes, I’m The Great Pretender

  1. ldr13 February 15, 2018 / 8:44 pm

    As much as I love being an adult, jobs and a lack of can be so stressful. After I graduated from the PGCE program last year to become a teacher I didn’t feel proud or happy, I felt defeated and full of regret. I felt it was a massive mistake doing the course. I started supply teaching and hated it; had major anxiety about it, was often in tears and got really down for a few months. It was hard when people were proud of me for something I didn’t feel proud about.

    But now I’m teaching a reception class fulltime (a job I had many reservations about applying for) and although it means very long days they are a nice class and I do enjoy it and I’m starting to think even if it isn’t a forever career it’s still an experience and worth doing. In the summer my man is posted to a new base and we’ll be moving to a city and I’m terrified of being able to find a nice school in a city (kids can be so brutal). But until then I’m just counting my blessings of which there are many and hoping for the best.

    I hope you find a happy place soon and a job that fits. You never know what is around the corner. Wishing you all the best! It was bloody brave to come here and wing it and as hard it is now I’m sure you’ll look back one day and be glad that you did it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Emmelia February 15, 2018 / 9:36 pm

      It’s such a struggle. I was unemployed for 6 years before I moved. The anxieties and depressions I experienced on and off were really bad.

      I did hope that once I moved things would get better for me because they’d be more opportunities here for me, but it’s like I find myself in the same situation.

      I do have hope that one day I’ll find my calling and be truly happy.

      My biggest fear is my time running out before I get that chance. It’s sad that at 30 I already feel like I’ve missed the boat and I just have to now accept that this is my life. (I know I haven’t, just always feels so).

      Anyway, something good is bound to happen to me. Hopefully sooner rather than later.

      Thank you for the kind words 🙂


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